WHAT people do behind closed doors is none of anyone’s business.
So says Jo Tey who believes the younger generation today should not be judged on whether they are virgins or otherwise.
For Esther Soh, however, virginity means honouring a promise to God as well as a gift only her husband will receive.
Teh and Soh, both 22 and fresh graduates, are among 50 urban youths aged between 18 and 30 who were interviewed on whether virginity is an issue among young Malaysians today. About 70% responded that it should not be one.
Henry (not his real name) respects people who believe in virginity but claims it will not be a criteria in his seeing someone. He confesses that in his circle of friends, being a virgin is something “despised”.
The 30-year-old businessman feels virginity has lost its relevance as it is no longer a criteria in getting into a relationship or a marriage.
Lee Xin Ying, 22, an intern at a government hospital in KL, concurs, saying people today should not expect their partners to be virgins.
But she is strongly against double standards in a relationship where “some guy may have sex with multiple partners but expects his future wife to be a virgin”.
Lynn, 25, argues that virginity is still relevant because Malaysian youths are still not well-informed on sex and thus not ready for the responsibilities that come with it.
She, however, does not agree with the perception that a non-virgin, especially a female, is “bad” or “damaged goods”.
“Whether a person is forced into sex, made a wrong decision or is ready to take the relationship a step further, there is no reason to stigmatise someone,” she says, adding that religion is another main reason why virginity remains a relevant issue.
Mandy, 22, thinks premarital sex is avoidable although she admits it is not easy holding on to values which go against the popular trend.
“It always comes back to what these values mean to me,” she says.
Consultant psychologist Valerie Jacques notes that the importance of virginity is declining due to poor family values.
“Children’s basic needs are not being met by money-minded parents. As such, they are drawn to people who use words such as ‘I love you’ or ‘If you love me, then you will give yourself to me’ tactics.
“This is a sign of poor self-esteem and confidence, poor self-image and identity. A person with positive esteem, confidence, image and identity will make good choices that bring benefit to themselves and not cause harm. The issue of virginity is then considered in terms of what will bring benefit to the individual who can lose it.”
Focus on the Family (FOF) director Ho Kien Keong concurs.
“Most youngsters nowadays think love means sex. Love is a choice,” he asserts.
He is concerned that many youngsters see sex as a physical act; one that is as common as eating.
“The physical act stops half an hour later, but consequences last forever,” he warns.
In FOF’s “No Apologies” pro-abstinence workshops, he adds, teenagers are made aware of the consequences of their actions.
Out of 13,588 secondary school students who attended the “No Apologies” workshops and participated in the FOF survey between 2003 and 2009, 35% found sex before marriage acceptable, citing curiosity and experience as main reasons for the answer.
After attending the workshop, 92% believed sex after marriage is the best choice and signed pledges of abstinence. The respondents are from both rural and urban schools.
FOF executive director Lee Wee Min stresses on the importance of parental support in passing on values to their children.
“When parents fail to connect with their children, what we say becomes negative and they rebel. If we do manage to connect, however, it makes a huge difference,” he adds.
According to Lee, the media has also shaped perceptions.
“The limelight is on sensational cases, creating a new moral compass for the public. A happy 50-year marriage would not make the front page. It is all about yardsticks,” he explains, adding that parents are also increasingly desensitised by the media.
Lee claims he has been challenged by parents who say things such as “Since my son is going to have sex anyway, I’d better teach him how to do it the right way”.
“Society nowadays is shortsighted, focusing on the now and putting consequences at a distance. People must be aware that willingly giving away your virginity is an issue.”
Lee encourages youths to hold on to their values and beliefs.
“Your friends might make fun of you, but you have the right to say no.
